On what grounds?!?

The last couple of days have been difficult. 

Around the holidays, my husband and I had a brief (3 week) period of reconcilliation.  We were talking and I stayed a few times.  I thought that maybe things would work  out, but only if we could do them on my terms.  As usual though, he started pushing – twisting my terms to meet what he wanted.  He all but demanded that I would be home by the time that the baby is born.  He wanted me to constantly call him and tell him that I love him.  He fired his divorce attorney after we had been talking only a couple of days.  He was very obviously trying to reign me back in – to get his control back.

When I left his house on Jan 2, I knew that I couldn’t do what he was asking of me.  I knew that the shame I was feeling was for a reason.  I didn’t want to tell my friends and family that I was going to try and work this out yet again.  I was embarrassed, because I knew what I was doing was wrong for both me and my baby.

He blew up when I told him I couldn’t do it.  He’s been launching a series of attacks against me ever since.  It’s been difficult to deal with, but it just reminds me why I left in the first place.  A person who can say horrible things about me in one breath, and then tell me that he loves me in the next is certainly not the type of person that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

The hardest thing right now is the divorce.  Since he fired his attorney, he feels that he doesn’t have to do anything as far as the divorce is concerned until he can afford a new attorney.  I’m lucky – my best friend is also my attorney, so she is doing the work pro bono.  In exchange I buy her food, try to help her with some of the more menial parts of her job, and other little things just to help her out.

He doesn’t want the grounds for the divorce to be that he inflicted cruel and inhuman treatment.  When he first filed (3 days after I originally left him in Sept.) he was charging me with those very same grounds.  While working out the settlement he agreed to be at fault.  Now he doens’t like it.  He thinks that if we wait a year, he can cry abandonment, but what he doesn’t realize is that I have  a domestic incident report, filed 2 days after I left him, that shows that I had ample reason to leave him.  Abandonment means that there is no good reason for the spouse to have left.  ( I live in NYS, one of the few states that still requires either grounds for divorce or legal separtation for a period of at least one year). 

He is very obviously playing games with me.  He doesn’t like the grounds because he feels like he’s done nothing wrong.  But I think a man who can justify hitting his wife, saying simply that he has every right to and that she “provoked” him, is very wrong.  Also, I think that he is afraid that if he agrees to those grounds it will hurt his chances in the custody case that is yet to come.

So, I’ve been on edge the last couple of days, dealing with his insanity.  Although it’s only e-mail, it’s still difficult to handle some days.  I want this to be over so that I can move on with my life as much as possible.  I want to be as free of him as I can be.  But he isn’t ready to give up his control.  Fortunately for me, he isn’t as intelligent as he thinks he is nor does he know the law as well as he thinks he does, so things look much better for me than for him.  It’s just going to be long and drawn out.

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