Just some thoughts

Today I’m sad.  I’m not sure why.  It could be pregnancy mood swings.  It could be the lack of sleep after babysitting my niece last night.  It could be the grief that is constantly underlying my life these days.  Who knows. 

Yesterday marked 6 months.  I’m officially 6 months pregnant and I’m definitely starting to feel it (and look it too).  I have this constant fear though, that the next time I go to the doctor it will all be just a dream.  They will tell me that I never was pregnant and treat me like I need to be put in a padded room.  I’m not sure if that’s a rational fear that pregnant women have, but it seems to be my biggest one. 

I finally bought a couple of things for the baby the other day.  I felt like it was my first true motherly act.  I’m getting more and more excited as I look at tiny little baby clothes, and imagine what the munchkin will look like, what his/her disposition will be…  things like that.  I’m trying not to let other peoples negativity influence my pregnancy, even though it can be difficult at times. 

I was determined from the beginning not to find out the sex of the baby.  I didn’t want to know.  I figured that if my mother didn’t find out for all 5 of us, I could at least get through one.  Now I’m not so sure.  I’ve never been one for suprises.  I always read the last chapter of a book first, because I wanted to know how it ended.  I have an ultra-sound on Thursday, and I think that I’m going to give in to temptation.  I’m not going to make a big announcement because I still want it to be a suprise for some people, but I’ll be happier if I know.  I still sort of hope that it’s a boy though 🙂

So, all in all, I’m trying to push the bad things away.  I know that they will keep coming back and trying to get into my head, but the best I can do is remember that there isn’t anything that I can do about that.  I can’t control what he does or how he acts.  All I can do is control my own thoughts and feelings.  And try to stay as positive as possible.

Oh, I’m going to the doctor today to get a referral for therapy.  I think that it’s high time that I go.  I’m probably going to explode if I don’t.

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