It’s interesting that I still check his MySpace page. I don’t know why I do it. Maybe it’s because I know he uses his blogs to communicate with me. Like today I checked it and there is one that is sort of a poem and very obviously directed to me. It talks about things that only apply to us. And it talks about how much he still loves me. I feel badly, because there will always be a part of me that loves him. I will never be completely rid of him because we have a child on the way. We’ll always be connected.
He swears that he’s changed. What he doesn’t understand is that an abusive person doesn’t just change on their own. They don’t just suddenly wake up and change their entire mindset, the entire way that they see women. I sometimes want so desperately to believe him, but I know that I can’t. I wisht that things could have been much much different. I never wanted to have my marriage fall apart. It makes me feel like I failed somehow, even though I know that it wasn’t my fault.
My strength, my rock, is the man that I’ve been dating. It may not have been the wisest choice to start dating someone so soon after leaving my husband, but sometimes these things just happen and are beyond our control. It’s been so long since I’ve felt safe and cared for when I was with someone. Even over the holidays, when I thought I was going to try one more time and put my family back together, he stood by me. He reminded me of all the bad things that I was having such a hard time seeing. He is amazing. I don’t know what I would do without him.
I feel sad after having read my husband’s latest blog. But I have to remember that I need to be strong for this baby. I can’t bring this baby into a house where there is abuse and fighting and things may not be safe. I feel sorry for my husband that he won’t see that he needs a lot of help. He can certainly hold out the hope that we’ll be together again someday. I’m not going to deny that it may be possible sometime in the very far future. But I doubt it. As I always taught my daughter, and my mother taught me – nothing is impossible, just highly unlikely.