I’ve been doing a lot of thinking today, because I really don’t have all that much to do while I sit here. The first thing I realized is how EASY this pregnancy has been, and how lucky I am because of it. At almost 7 months, I am still able to wear my work pants (jeans are out now), I never had morning sickness of any kind, and everything seems to be going right on course according to the OB’s office. Sure, I’m a little tired, and some nights I have a hard time sleeping, but overall, I’ve really had a very pleasant experience thus far. I’m already thinking I’d like to do it again. Maybe in a year or two if my dear, sweet, boyfriend is still wants to have more.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my step-daughter too. Her father has made some comments in e-mails that let me know he is brainwashing her into hating me. I almost feel like this is a good thing for me. I’ve been doing a really good job of distancing myself from my attachment to her, so that I can keep myself and my baby safe and healthy. I put away all the pictures of her that were in my bedroom. I’ve asked my family to please respect me and not talk about her anymore. It seems harsh, but she is the reason that I stayed in such a bad situation for so long. I’m confident that I gave her enough direction while I was with her to help her succeed in life. She’ll be fine. And maybe someday she’ll realize that I never wanted to leave her, but I simply had to.
I’m finally starting to feel more settled. He is obviously back with that girl so now he wants to move forward with the divorce. I’m really ok with that, and happy to move it forward as quickly as possible. I have to find new representation (or figure things out on my own) because my friend who was acting as my attorney is no longer interested in being involved. She’s put me in a terribly crappy position, but I think that it will all work out. I’m not sure that there is any other option at this point.
I can finally wake up in the morning and say that life isn’t so bad. I can finally go to bed at night without having panic attacks, thinking that he’s going to find me and hurt me again. I’m finally starting to be content in my own skin again. It’s really a nice feeling. I don’t think that I would ever want to go back to the way that things were.
I’m glad that Spring is almost here. New beginnings all around.