I do it to myself

I don’t know why I check his MySpace page.  Maybe it’s because I desperately want to see him change his relationship status from “single” to “in a relationship”.  Maybe it’s because I want to see what horrible things he’s said about me in his status update.  Really, it’s because he writes blogs specifically to me and I want to read them.  But once I read them I just get upset and frustrated, so I don’t know why I keep doing it.

He uses a tracker so that he can see when I check his page.  I know this.  But I do it anyway.  It’s like some sick addiction.  Like I just want to know what he’s doing.  I don’t know why I care.  I think part of it has to do with me thinking if I know what he’s up to, I won’t be blindsided by anything that he tries to pull on me.

In the latest blog he says again that he doesn’t want to know when the baby comes.  He insists that everything is going to come down to money.  What he doesn’t know is that I fully intend on doing this on my own.  I don’t want his money because I don’t want him to have anything to hold over my head.  It may sound crazy, but people do this with a lot less money and a lot less support than I have.  The only thing I want is custody of my baby.  I don’t want him involved.  Because, as anyone who has dealt with DV and custody issues knows, he will just use the baby as another way to try and control me.  And I’m done with that.

So, for today, I’m going to try and shake off his BS blog.  I’m going to enjoy this sunny day, make corned beef and cabbage (and something else for the boy who won’t eat it lol) and just take comfort in what my life is now.  I’m going to make myself remember that his words, over a computer, can only damage me if I let them.  And I’m going to continue to grow this baby, so he or she can come out healthy and happy, and into a safe and loving environment.

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One Response to I do it to myself

  1. Barbara says:

    I absolutely understand why you keep checking his Space page. I did similar things after I left my husband but it was mainly to make sure he hadn’t found out where I was so I would feel safe. Yet, there was this curiosity about his life and what he was doing. I never found out much but I did know when he stopped searching for me. I was still nervous a few years after that because I thought he might still be looking for me but not letting anyone know about it.
    My ex-sister-in-law emailed me a year ago about his death (alcohol poisoning!!!) and I just let out the biggest breath that I didn’t even know I had been holding in! Such relief!

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