So much happening

So much is happening.  I had my baby a week ago.  She’s a perfect little girl.  I couldn’t be more in love with her.  Every moment is a blessing and I’m already dreading the fact that she’ll grow up all too fast.  Every time I look at her I can’t believe how beautiful she is, and how lucky I am to be her mommy.  I think about the future, and where it will take her.  I want to remember everything about how she is now, her tiny hands, her cute little noises, the way she screams when I change her diaper.  I never imagined that I would be so instantly taken by someone so small.  I don’t know what I did with my life before her, because now life is all about her.  It’s an amazing feeling.

A couple of weeks before she was born, my ex, her father, called me.  I don’t know what made him decide to get back in touch.  But of course, it started a spiral or emotions for me.  I’m still so in love with him.  I just had his daughter.  I’m totally letting myself fall back into things with him, and I’m oddly ok with it.  For some reason I believe him this time.  He’s not pushing me, or trying to make me move faster than I want to.  He’s accepting of the fact that I don’t know how long it will take for me to feel comfortable with him again.  He’s willing to do a legal separation with me, which states that I have full physical custody of our daughter – and he knows that it’s like an insurance policy to me.  We talk every day.  He came to the hospital after the baby was born and he stayed with us that first night.  It was so comforting to have him there and to have him be a part of our daughters birth.  He held her and changed her diaper and we just talked until the very early morning.  He wants to be a good dad to her.  And he seems to want to be a good husband to me.

It seems crazy for me to put any faith in him.  After all the things that he’s done to me over the years, how could I ever trust him again?  But for some reason I do.  I love him so desperately, and I can’t imagine the rest of my life without him.  I know that I’m going to meet a lot of resistance from the people that care about me.  I know that they’re all going to think that I’m insane and that I’m falling back in to some sort of trap.  Maybe I am.  But I just don’t care.  I just want to try and see if this will work.  All I’ve ever wanted was for my marriage to be everything that it should be.  If he’s telling me the truth this time, then maybe it will all be ok.  Maybe someday I’ll be able to call myself his wife again, and be able to live with him again.  If he can really hang in there and wait for me to be ready.  I hope that he can.  He’s doing really well so far, and he hasn’t shown me any hints of the man that I knew before.  Before he would have pushed me and scared me but now I think he sees that we need to fix everything from the ground up if it’s ever going to last. 

I hope to God that I’m not making the biggest mistake of my life.  I may be, who knows.  But I can’t live with the thought of not having him in my life anymore.  I don’t know why, I don’t know what this strange connection is, but it just won’t go away.  My heart aches whenever I think about how much work it’s going to take to put it all back together.  I just want to be able to wave a magic wand and have my life back, with him.  Only time will tell I suppose.

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One Response to So much happening

  1. First of all–Congratulations on the baby. I’m sure she is beautiful!!

    Yes, you’ll get a lot of flack from people but not from me. You sound so happy and you are thinking of the baby, too, I’m sure. I hope he has changed for the better. Take your time in this and always keep your eyes open for any red flags. Keep other doors open, also, in case you need them later for financial reasons and for supportive friendships.
    I hope all goes as you wish! 🙂

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