This little angel is the only thing that matters. Everything I do now is only with her in mind. That includes the crazy emotions that I’m going through while entertaining going back to her father. Yes, he did horrible things to me, but I feel like he’s much different now. He seems so much calmer than he ever used to be. Besides, I love him desperately. Kendal deserves to grow up in a real family. If he and I can make this work, it will be the best thing for her. He’s agreed that it will take a long time, and he’s not pushing me to come home at all. He wants me to be comfortable when I do make that step. He says that he undertands how hurt I am. I want to believe him. Right now I feel like I’m just testing the waters. We spent some time together when I was in the hospital. He was amazing. It felt so good to be there with him. Now I’m bringing Kendal up to his house tomorrow so that he can spend time with his daughter. He hasn’t seen her since she was a day old. She’s now 11 days old. I feel like he’s missing so much already, and I want him to be able to spend as much time with her as possible.
All the research says that abusers don’t and can’t change. I dn’t know exactly what to believe anymore. I think that it is possible for anyone to change, given that they want to badly enough. I don’t think that it’s fair to lump everyone into one big category, no matter what the statistics stay. I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, he’ll be the exception to the rule. Maybe, for whatever reason, he really gets it where other men don’t. There’s been so much heartache on both of our parts, that I’m hoping that I’m not just deluding myself.
Only time will tell how he’s going to be. I have to spend time with him and see if the way he acts and reacts have changed. That is going to be the key. But I know that I want it to be true. I just need to be careful.