Almost 30….

I’ve been having so much anxiety and depression this week over turning 30 on Sunday. It’s not the number at all. I don’t care about that. My problem is that I feel like I should be at a better place in my life by this age.

I sit here and think, wow, I’m living with my parents – again. I never seem to be able to stay away for long. In fact, being with my ex was the longest that I’ve ever NOT lived with my parents. It’s pathetic really. I can never quite get my life together enough to not have to depend on them.

It makes me sad that I’m not able to give Kendal a better life. One where she is in a stable household with 2 parents (biological or not) and has all the opportunities to do things that she should have. I want so badly for her to be able to experience life and the world, but I can’t give that to her at all. I can’t give her a father figure, because I’m too afraid that I’ll just make the same mistakes again and get myself into a similar, if not worse, situation. Yes, she has uncles, and a grandfather, and a god father – all of whom are absolutely amazing and I love more than anything in this world, but it’s still not the same.

I look at my bills vs. the money I bring in, and I realize that I don’t know how I’m going to get by much longer, let alone ever be able to live on my own with a baby. My ex is paying nothing as of yet, not that I really expect him to pay if he has to, but I’m starting to drown. I can feel my head slowly sinking into the water and I don’t really know what to do about it.

At 30, I sit here, with little education (only an AS) and no idea if I’ll ever be able to find the time and money to go back to school. It’s depressing. I feel like my dreams from when I was younger are all now so far out of my reach that I might as well just resign myself to the life that I have, and be thankful that I’m at least alive. But somehow, even the thought of the resignation is simply no comfort.

I try to figure out where I went wrong, how I didn’t see the signs, why I didn’t listen to everyone else. But now it’s too late, and I am where I am. Yes, I’m luckier than a lot of women are, but I still can’t help but feel like in the end, he wins, because I have nothing. He’ll get to see his daughter, play games with me in court, do whatever he wants, and I can’t say anything because if I come off looking like the bitter and jaded ex, I could stand to lose a lot more. Gotta love our system.

I’m sorry to make this into a pity party. I’m just feeling so awful, and I needed to get it off my chest. I really just want to go home and go back to bed and cry for the rest of the day. I wish I could turn back the clock and never give in to the pressure that he put on me for that first date. Because maybe, just maybe, I would be happy with my life if I had just been able to stand my ground all those years ago. And maybe I wouldn’t be so afraid and hesitant to stand my ground and do the things that I want to now. Who knows…

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One Response to Almost 30….

  1. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so bad right now. Life seems very hard and overwhelming to you right now but, really, it’s just for RIGHT NOW!!
    Over time, things will change about for you and life will begin to look brighter. Let your parents help you while they still can. They love you and Kendal and are quite willing to help, I’m sure. I know how it feels to depend on your parents and it’s not a good feeling–because you feel dependent and not very ‘grown up’ during that time. But, let them do it and rejoice in it and be thankful they DO help–many don’t!

    Wallow in your pity party for a few days, then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on. You’ll be all the better for it!
    Barbara

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