Lots of thinking

Since October, I’ve come to realize how much I truly loathe my husband/abuser.  I’m so grateful that I trusted my gut instincts and told him that I wasn’t ready to move back in with him in September.  He showed his true colors.  I know now that he was just doing everything that he could to lure me back into the cycle of abuse.  I thank God every day that I didn’t go back.

In October, he filed for sole custody of our daughter, who was 5 months old at the time.  He hadn’t seen her at all since the end of August, and had never once asked to, even though the order of protection allowed for visiation. 

Although the court stuff is being handled well by my attorney, and I have no concerns at all about the case turning out just fine, it still bothers me that he has never once asked to see her.  The law guardian demanded that he take supervised visits in December.  At the first part of the trial a couple of weeks ago the judge moved the visits to 3 hours on Sunday mornings, unsupervised.  All of that is fine, I knew he was going to see her, but I’m still floored that he has never asked.  His attorney has told mine that he didn’t want visits because he was afraid of “false allegations”.  In his response to my cross-petition for custody, he said somthing about of course he wants to see her, he wants custody.  It’s just all so bizarre to me.

It’s obvious that he doesn’t want to communicate with me when he picks her up or drops her off.  Honestly, I don’t really want to talk to him either, but this isn’t about us, it’s about the baby.  We both need to know what she needs, when the last time she ate was, just basic info.  But he refuses to do that.  I doubt that it’s going to get better. 

I keep hoping that the visits will be too much work for him and eventually he’ll give up.  Knowing him, he probably will, but I’m not sure how long it will take for that to happen.  It’s frustrating having to put her through it right now.  If he could just be a normal person, I would want her to spend as much time as she could with him.  Then again, if he were a normal person, I wouldn’t be where I am right now.

I have to get through Friday, when the second part of the trial is scheduled.  Hopefully it will be over that day.  Hopefully I’ll be able to get on the stand and testify.  I’ll finally be able to tell people about the things that he’s done to me.  I’ll be able to say everything that I need to, and he’ll have to sit there and listen to it.  That in itself will make having gone through this worthwhile. 

In the end, Kendal will visit him on a regular basis.  That won’t be her home though.  It won’t be the place where she is loved and given guidance, and taught everything that she needs to know.  It will be a place where she goes for a little while, gets given lots of stuff, but doesn’t get the attention she needs.  I can’t change that though.  He is who he is.

I know that he tells his family lies about what happens in court.  It used to make me angry.  Furious even.  But now I realize that he needs those lies.  It’s the only power that he has left.  The only thing he can control is what he tells people who aren’t there.  But I know the truth.  And in the end, that’s all that matters.  He can live in his make believe world where he’s so smart and powerful, but I’m going to live in reality, where he is just a minor annoyance and life goes on.

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2 Responses to Lots of thinking

  1. “but I’m going to live in reality, where he is just a minor annoyance and life goes on.” ….. bravo to you!!

    It saddens me that Kendall has to go through the visits with him. I’d be afraid she would become confused as time goes on. Especially if he stops seeing her. If that happens, I hope she’s still young enough not to absorb that kind of upset.

  2. smc92079 says:

    I hope if it’s going to stop that it’s while she’s young too. With him, you just never know what is going to happen. It’s frustrating, but there isn’t a whole lot I can do. I just do the best that I can.

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