A look at the past

I found an old blog today.  It was hard to read, but I’m glad that I did.  I’m actually glad that I still have some of the old blogs that I wrote, when I was so deeply entrenched in the abuse that I never thought I would get out.  It’s makes me sad though, to think that I was convinced that life would never change.  The following is a post that I wrote more than 2 years ago, before the very first time I left my abuser.  Of course, there was a lot of leaving and coming back to follow, a lot of confusion and doubt.  But now I can look back with amazement at how far I’ve come.  It’s a great feeling to know that I’m not that person anymore.
I don’t know why I do this to myself. I must be a horrible person. It would be better for everyone in the world if I didn’t exist anymore. I thought I was an OK person until I met him. He has done nothing but remind me how useless and awful I am for the last 5 years. He has beaten me, screamed at me, called me names, and threatened to kill me. He has never been the sweet, loving husband that I had hoped to have – at least not for longer than a few minutes at a time. He hasn’t held a conventional job for almost 5 years now, and expects me to support our family by myself. He has expected that I would do everything – from providing the income, to keeping the house clean and perfect, to raising his daughter – all so that he can live his life. It wouldn’t matter to him if I didn’t show up after work – he hopes that I die. Then his life will be happy. He hates me, and there is nothing that I can do about it. But he won’t let me leave, because then he will have to support himself and his daughter.

Once upon a time I thought that I was a brilliant woman, full of potential. Now, I am nothing. My fate has been sealed, all because I chose to marry the wrong man. Everyday I must face the reality of my mistake, and there is nothing that I can do about it. All I can pray for is to die young, so that I don’t have to live like this for the next 50 or 60 years. I’m completely trapped, and I did it to myself. My hopes and dreams will never be fulfilled – I’ll never be able to go to school, have babies, travel the world, have friends, be close to my family. I have to lie to everyone, including myself, just to make it through the day.

In his eyes I am nothing more than a piece of garbage. The sadder part, is that has become what I see when I look into the mirror. I’ll never be able to make him happy, and because of that I will be miserable for the rest of my life. But I won’t leave him. I can’t. I made a committment before God, and my family and friends, and I won’t break that. Does that make me crazy? Maybe it does. So maybe all of this really is my own fault, and I can remember that everytime there is a new bruise.

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5 Responses to A look at the past

  1. You’ve come a long way!! I’m so happy you have grown to be who you are today!!

  2. Oh. That is just heartbreaking. Wow. Glad you have overcome that world of abuse. So very sad.

    • Sandra says:

      It broke my heart to read it, but I don’t know if I truly realized how horrible it was then. I’m so thankful to have the ability to look back and know that I’ve overcome so much. And, I’ve found a new calling in life because of what I’ve been through. Thanks for your comment!

  3. Carolee says:

    Unbelievable how someone else can cause us to forget who we are.

    So glad you found your way out.

    BTW- found you on CafeMom- have a great hump day!

  4. This is an excellent post and may be one that ought to be followed up to see what goes on

    A chum sent this link the other day and I’m excitedly hoping for your next content. Carry on on the first class work.

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