Yesterday would have been my 6th wedding anniversary. I suppose it actually was, since we’re still married. But obviously there was no celebration. There were no cards or flowers. No I love you’s or sweet moments spent reminiscing the day we pledged our lives to each other. Instead, we met for his visitation with the baby, I handed her off and later on I picked her up. We talked just briefly about her.
During the week I was dreading the day. I was dreading seeing him, and fearful that my unexplainable sadness would make me vulnerable to anything kind he might do, or any mention of our anniversary. Thankfully it was not mentioned, but the fear earlier in the week drove me to tears several times.
Now, as I reflect on all the emotion I was feeling, I realize what it was. Quite simply, it was grief. In the last 2 years I have not taken time to grieve the loss of my marriage. I was too busy preparing for a baby, fighting my rage and anger at him filing for custody, going to court, etc. I never stopped to let in the sadness of my loss.
Of course I’m not sad that I lost him. My life is infinitely better now. I can finally smile and not be constantly on high-alert. What I’m sad about is the loss off the hopes and dreams that I had when I said my vows. I’m sad because I feel like I’ve missed out on the ideal of a happy marriage and family. It’s like the white picket fence somehow slipped out of my grasp.
I think it’s natural to feel these things. Even without the aspect of abuse, any one who loses their marriage has periods of grief. It’s healthy. And when considering the abuse, it doesn’t have to make you vulnerable to the games of your abuser, especially if you are aware of what you are feeling and why.
Don’t be afraid to grieve your losses in life, no matter how big or small they may be. In order to move on, be a stronger person, and ultimately find the happiness that we are all searching for, we need to accept the emotions that we feel, and work through them. It’s only human nature. And I’m glad that I didn’t resist it.
I don’t know what will happen at this time next year, but I’m sure that it will be a little bit easier.