I’m nervous

Just when you think everything is going smoothly, there is always a wrench thrown into the works. Right now, I’m terribly nervous about tomorrow.
To make a long story short, the ex seems to think that he’s getting the baby every weekend from now until January. Of course, he’s out of his mind, but getting that across to him is like trying to teach a mentally retarded person physics – it’s just not going to happen.
So, I’m sitting here worried that I’m going to get harrassed all weekend, since this is my weekend and he won’t be seeing her. I’m afraid to see the clock hit 10AM tomorrow.
I think that I’m so uptight about this because this is the first real point of confrontation that there will have been for a very long time. Everything has been calm and going well. Visits have been uneventful, everyone has been cordial, nothing to complain about.

But I just can’t help but feel all of the anxiety rising up inside me.
I’m hopeful that all this worry is for nothing. I hope I can just enjoy my weekend with my daughter.

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You have GOT to be kidding me!

I just got a phone call from my step-daughter’s orchestra teacher.  2 years ago, I would have taken it in stride.  It would have been the norm, because the school always contacted me first.  No big deal.

Today is a totally different story though.  I haven’t spoken to my step-daughter since last August.  Her father and I exchange only brief words when he is picking up or dropping off the baby.  I shouldn’t not be listed as a contact for my step-daughter.

Forget the fact that I will have been gone for 2 years in September.  If it had happened last school year, I could have understood it, because I left after school had started.  But this year?  I don’t see how it’s even remotely possible that he hasn’t removed me as a contact person at her school. 

I’ve just stopped shaking from this.  I hate that after almost 2 years these things pop up and still affect me this way.  I just want to shut down completely and crawl in to bed right now.  But I can’t do that.  I can sit here in a daze for a bit, but I can’t just turn it all off. 

I guess, ultimately, it just makes me angry that I’ve worked so hard to remove him from everything, and he’s done none of that.  He has been so adamant that I have no contact with “his” daughter, that he will press charges if I do, but yet I’m still listed as her mother at the school.  This just makes no sense to me.  I suppose I’m asking for too much though, when I ask for logical actions from an illogical person. 

Well, at least this will make my therapy session worth the $45 tomorrow.

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Oh memories

I find it interesting how things about the abuse will pop into my head randomly.  I really don’t conciously think about that period of my life anymore, but more often than I’d like things pop into my head.

Sometimes, I’ll be driving somewhere and I’ll realize that the song/artist I am listening to was one that he would always shut off on me.  Then I’ll think about it a little deeper and realize that he never really allowed me to listen to the music that I wanted to listen to.  He would walk in the room and just shut off the stereo.  No warning, no explination.  But it was understood that I was done listening to it.

At night, I usually read in bed for a little bit before I turn off the light and go to sleep.  I love having the freedom to be able to do this now.  Reading was something that I hardly got to do back then, because it took my attention away from him.  But also because it is one of my favorite past-times.

Even silly things will conjure up memories, and amazement that I allowed myself to endure these things for so long.  Something as ridiculous as being able to go to bed when I want to, and not when he tells me to, is thrilling.  I don’t have to fight to stay awake, or fall asleep on the couch, or go to bed before I’m ready anymore.  Or ever again.

I’m starting school in September so that I can finally finish my bachelor’s degree.  I’m really looking forward to being able to do my coursework without someone constantly distracting me (other than the baby of course!).  Although I muddled through my AS with him making a concerted effort to derail me, this is going to be an all new experience.  To be in an environment that is actually supportive makes me think that I’ll succeed beyond my wildest dreams.  And yet, I’m still apprehensive, because his voice always haunts me when I think about my educational goals.  “You should have thought about school when you were 18 and single.  It’s too late for you to be wasting time on this crap now.  You have a family to think about.” 

Overall, I feel like I’m moving forward well.  Therapy is helping that along too.  Sometimes it blows my mind how deeply rooted all of this is though.  It’s so hard to move past behaviors and reactions that were ingrained in me.  It’s hard to give others the opportunity to react to things without me having already decided what they will do if I make a particular move and then adjusting my actions accordingly. 

It takes time.  I know this.  And I want to get to a place where I feel good about how far I’ve come.  It’s just hard when those little memories creep up on you out of nowhere.

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Lots of thinking

Since October, I’ve come to realize how much I truly loathe my husband/abuser.  I’m so grateful that I trusted my gut instincts and told him that I wasn’t ready to move back in with him in September.  He showed his true colors.  I know now that he was just doing everything that he could to lure me back into the cycle of abuse.  I thank God every day that I didn’t go back.

In October, he filed for sole custody of our daughter, who was 5 months old at the time.  He hadn’t seen her at all since the end of August, and had never once asked to, even though the order of protection allowed for visiation. 

Although the court stuff is being handled well by my attorney, and I have no concerns at all about the case turning out just fine, it still bothers me that he has never once asked to see her.  The law guardian demanded that he take supervised visits in December.  At the first part of the trial a couple of weeks ago the judge moved the visits to 3 hours on Sunday mornings, unsupervised.  All of that is fine, I knew he was going to see her, but I’m still floored that he has never asked.  His attorney has told mine that he didn’t want visits because he was afraid of “false allegations”.  In his response to my cross-petition for custody, he said somthing about of course he wants to see her, he wants custody.  It’s just all so bizarre to me.

It’s obvious that he doesn’t want to communicate with me when he picks her up or drops her off.  Honestly, I don’t really want to talk to him either, but this isn’t about us, it’s about the baby.  We both need to know what she needs, when the last time she ate was, just basic info.  But he refuses to do that.  I doubt that it’s going to get better. 

I keep hoping that the visits will be too much work for him and eventually he’ll give up.  Knowing him, he probably will, but I’m not sure how long it will take for that to happen.  It’s frustrating having to put her through it right now.  If he could just be a normal person, I would want her to spend as much time as she could with him.  Then again, if he were a normal person, I wouldn’t be where I am right now.

I have to get through Friday, when the second part of the trial is scheduled.  Hopefully it will be over that day.  Hopefully I’ll be able to get on the stand and testify.  I’ll finally be able to tell people about the things that he’s done to me.  I’ll be able to say everything that I need to, and he’ll have to sit there and listen to it.  That in itself will make having gone through this worthwhile. 

In the end, Kendal will visit him on a regular basis.  That won’t be her home though.  It won’t be the place where she is loved and given guidance, and taught everything that she needs to know.  It will be a place where she goes for a little while, gets given lots of stuff, but doesn’t get the attention she needs.  I can’t change that though.  He is who he is.

I know that he tells his family lies about what happens in court.  It used to make me angry.  Furious even.  But now I realize that he needs those lies.  It’s the only power that he has left.  The only thing he can control is what he tells people who aren’t there.  But I know the truth.  And in the end, that’s all that matters.  He can live in his make believe world where he’s so smart and powerful, but I’m going to live in reality, where he is just a minor annoyance and life goes on.

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Wow, it’s been a long time

So much has happened. I need to work on getting this blog running again. I’m still battling my abuser in court, but I’m not letting him get to me anymore. I am so happy that I didn’t make the mistake of going back to him. He showed his true colors, and I’m confident that I made the right decision, for both me and my daughter.

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Almost 30….

I’ve been having so much anxiety and depression this week over turning 30 on Sunday. It’s not the number at all. I don’t care about that. My problem is that I feel like I should be at a better place in my life by this age.

I sit here and think, wow, I’m living with my parents – again. I never seem to be able to stay away for long. In fact, being with my ex was the longest that I’ve ever NOT lived with my parents. It’s pathetic really. I can never quite get my life together enough to not have to depend on them.

It makes me sad that I’m not able to give Kendal a better life. One where she is in a stable household with 2 parents (biological or not) and has all the opportunities to do things that she should have. I want so badly for her to be able to experience life and the world, but I can’t give that to her at all. I can’t give her a father figure, because I’m too afraid that I’ll just make the same mistakes again and get myself into a similar, if not worse, situation. Yes, she has uncles, and a grandfather, and a god father – all of whom are absolutely amazing and I love more than anything in this world, but it’s still not the same.

I look at my bills vs. the money I bring in, and I realize that I don’t know how I’m going to get by much longer, let alone ever be able to live on my own with a baby. My ex is paying nothing as of yet, not that I really expect him to pay if he has to, but I’m starting to drown. I can feel my head slowly sinking into the water and I don’t really know what to do about it.

At 30, I sit here, with little education (only an AS) and no idea if I’ll ever be able to find the time and money to go back to school. It’s depressing. I feel like my dreams from when I was younger are all now so far out of my reach that I might as well just resign myself to the life that I have, and be thankful that I’m at least alive. But somehow, even the thought of the resignation is simply no comfort.

I try to figure out where I went wrong, how I didn’t see the signs, why I didn’t listen to everyone else. But now it’s too late, and I am where I am. Yes, I’m luckier than a lot of women are, but I still can’t help but feel like in the end, he wins, because I have nothing. He’ll get to see his daughter, play games with me in court, do whatever he wants, and I can’t say anything because if I come off looking like the bitter and jaded ex, I could stand to lose a lot more. Gotta love our system.

I’m sorry to make this into a pity party. I’m just feeling so awful, and I needed to get it off my chest. I really just want to go home and go back to bed and cry for the rest of the day. I wish I could turn back the clock and never give in to the pressure that he put on me for that first date. Because maybe, just maybe, I would be happy with my life if I had just been able to stand my ground all those years ago. And maybe I wouldn’t be so afraid and hesitant to stand my ground and do the things that I want to now. Who knows…

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When do I get to be a grownup?

I’m sitting here, wondering how I’m going to tell my parents that I’m staying the night at my husband’s house tomorrow.  With the baby.  I don’t know why I’m wondering how to tell them, or even why I’m concerned about what they think.  I’m almost 30 years old.  When I came home to live with them, it wasn’t to be treated like a child too.  But, here I sit, worried about the fall out that it’s going to cause. 

Mike wants to spend more time with Kendal.  He’s missing out on these precious days, and I know that it’s got to be devestating for him.  I want him to have that time.  I have no problem spending the night with him so that he can be with his daughter.  So that we can start being a family again.  He’s desperate to prove to me that things are different.  I already see the differences.  And yet I’m hesitant to go home.  Because I don’t want to listen to what my family and friends are going to say.  I don’t want to be shown all the worst possible scenarios.  I know what COULD happen.  But I also know that if I keep thinking about all the negative things, I’ll never be able to let the positive things shine through.

I’m sitting here, with a baby, 50 miles away from a man that loves her more than anything in this world.  That loves me, and shows me that every day.  We’ve been separated for almost a year.  We’ve both dated other people, tried to move on with our lives, but to no avail.  No one makes me feel the way that he does.  He says the same and I believe him.  I want to get my family back together, and I feel like all the pieces are starting to fit.  But I need to start biting the bullet because whether I tell people now, or tell them later, they’re going to be angry at me for my decision.  But in the end, it’s my decision to have my family together.  It’s my decision to trust in the man that I pledeged my life to almost 5 years ago.  It’s my decision to move on with him, regardless of who stands by me and who doesn’t.

I know that my parents will always love me, even if they don’t like the choices that I make.  I know who the few close friends are that will be there for me no matter what.  I’m also aware that there are those who will turn their backs on me.  I’m ok with all of it.  Because in the end, I have to make myself happy.

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